Dearest Ask Anytime Now,
uhm... here goes...
im certified gay, 100 percent... and i think i've known it since i was born... my friends know it... my parents know it, my brothers know it... heck i think even our dogs know it...
well actually the problem is, i haven't been in a serious relationship before... i keep telling myself, 'dadating din yan.... in due time...' but sometimes your mind also knows that u'r just fooling urself... i'm 20 for God's sake, and i think my inferiority complex is reaching its peak... my gay friends have had dozens and yet here i am, already starting to count the grey strands in my hair...
i have observed myself and i think i'm not that ugly naman, d rin naman aq bobo... an lalu namang d rin aq boring.... sometimes i've concluded that the problem is not me but what this stupid society dictates... there are an awfully lot of gays roaming around this planet and yet, the moment they catch their eyes on a poor prey, not conforming with the trend, and by trend i mean... d nagpapaka paminta... shet!!! magsisindi liparan na ang mga kilay jan na kontodo ahit naman... i keep my hair long, although i don't wear skimpy girly outfits... i still dress up like a man... (eh d itinakwil aq ng mga kaibigan q pag nakita nila qng ganun...)
and if u'r probably asking wether or not i'm still a virgin, nope... my hymen's no longer intact... heheheheeh... kidding aside... i've done some one nyt stuff just to make myself feel better but i think that really isn't enough...
my friend has commented me why i haven't had any boyfriend yet and she has concluded na torpe daw aq... uhm, yep, i am... i also acepted that fact... but that's who i am... i can't even smile at someone in the street who i know is gay/bi/whatever (i also have a radar... i think we all do...) who seems to have locked his eyes on me 2... all i can do is stare back at him... i can't even initiate a decent sexy talk... hehehehe.... joke...
To sum this all up... I feel super alone... i hate the fact that i always have to go home alone walking along p gil, feeling depressed after seeng all those gay couples (who i may say not at all that happy but still, they're with someone...) strutting along with me...
hoping to have an opinion on this crap,
no boyfriend since birth
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Hello!
First, I have to say that I somehow know what it feels to be in your shoes. In the first few months after I "came out", I wasn't so confident with my gay skin. It was because I didn't know yet where i would position myself in the society. I wasn't straight enough to be straight and I wasn't gay enough to be guy.
Looking around us, I totally agree with you when you said that those who do not conform with the gay norms have the tendency to be ignored in the gay scene. That happened to me several times. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, it's just that I don't wear the "I'M GAY" button. I don't wear super body-hugging shirts, I'm not buff, my hair isn't spiky, and I don't have that intense gay look in my pictures. Funny it may seem that its like there is a UNIFORM that one wears to identify himself as gay. Those who wear something else gradually fade out of the scene.
As much as it hurts to admit it, the gay world can be both cruel and superficial. Gay guys like men, that's why their gays. Normally and logically, they would prefer someone who is brooding and manly, otherwise, they would've hit on women. Beauty is really subjective and as time passes by, the society shapes how beauty should be defined. This applies to gays and straights alike. If before, homosexuals brag about their trophies for winning Ms. Gay Phippines, today, gays populate the gym to buff up their bodies and bag either the Mossimo or Bikini Open titles.
So you're not the neo-gay stereotype, so what? The gay world can be shallow in general but I assure you that some look more than skindeep. You said it yourself, you're smart and you're a great conversationalist. For me, those reasons are enough to make me fall for someone. People have different preferences but you do not have to change who you are just because they don't prefer you.
In a book that I read in the past, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the author, Stephen Covey, said that changing yourself or your ways is not the solution to a problem. Rather, it totally ignores the root of the situation and instead oushes you to try some well-tested formula to get what you want. You said you're torpe, right? Instead of trying century-old techniques like biting your lips or making a naughty smaile when someone cute passes by, analyze why you are "torpe".
You are "torpe' because you have issues regarding your confidence. Once you have worked on your these issues, you would be confident to approach others. Do you see the difference? You did not force yourself to change, rather, you looked inside to determine what the problem was and work on a solution for that problem.
I don't believe that love comes to those who wait. However, I do not think as well that we should all rush on love. You said you're 20, that's just like 25% of the average human life-span. You've got 75% more to live. I have a friend and she's 26 and she never had a boyfriend. But I don't think she minds. You only feel the pressure because you compare your experiences with what your peers have experienced and you realize that they have gone much further than you have. But actually, it is no issue. We all walk this life in our own pacing and only ourselves should decide how fast things would be.
Being single can be lonely and depressing, but even if you're in a relationship, there are times when you would still feel lonely and depressed. I can attest to that. Though its good to have a partner to share eveyrthing with, its much more complicated because you are dealing with another person who thinks, feels, speaks, and acts differently.
You may find this as a cliche but be confident with what you have. NOTE, I din't say be contented with what you ahve, I said be contented. Though its OK to desire for what you don't have, make sure you do not ignore your God-given gifts and you always flaunt them whenever, wherever, possible.
Intelligence is sexy. Being smart is cool. People may call me geeky or nerdy but I wouldn't trade my wits for a drool-worthy physique.
Hope I was of help. Thanks for asking.
Just Ask Anytime Now!
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3 comments:
I feel close to this story, i'm gay too and i've never been in a relationship either, i'm 30 and I feel so alone. It really gets to me sometime. I really don't know what to do actually.
Indeed, the gay world can be very shallow and so is the rest of the world--be it the gay or the straight. It's just too overwhelming for us gay people because we have to deal with two issues--or one, depending on your "out" status--(1) our sexuality, how we and other people deal with the fact of our sexual preference and (2) the issues that come along with it, i.e. shallowness among peers, society and loneliness. So you could just imagine the amount of pressure people like us carry on our shoulders. It's like carrying a whole different person with it's different kinds of issues. Sometimes I wish I could just evaporate--sounds cliched but there is not other way I could describe how I or any of us feel. Trust me, it's not only those people who are naturally gifted in mind and body that are plagued by this. Once when I was very young a lot of people seemed to avoid me. The very loud gay people were always out front and very popular. In college, the typical "gay next door type" came to fashion and it still does today. I can't help but wish I was in their shoes--girls giggling over them, gay guys fantasizing about them--you know the drill, bisexual people wonder about them and their own sexuality--I honestly could go on and on about why I envy those people. Now, people say I belong to the latter but I refuse to believe because, after all, when I was growing up people were like avoiding me like a disease--admittedly, an exaggeration but I wasn't exactly the exempted from every butt of people's jokes. They often ask the question why am I so miserable when I basically have the world under my feet and they'd kill for my shoes. If they only knew....I was there and that was it. The kids when I was young were like saying to say I should be glad they are acknowledging my presence. In short, they were saying I was butt ugly but in a nice way. It wasn't until the end of my college years did I realize a change in my body. My psychiatrist told me I should ride the wave and do it not because I want to impress people but to impress myself. That's right, I have been to a psychiatrist and have been taking meds for 7 years because of depression. The depression stemmed from childhood and the way society has made me feel about myself--miserable, self-conscious, self-loathing etc. One day, I told myself that if the world should ignore me, I am at least entitled to one right--and that is right feel good and accepted in my own way. After all, one can't have both. So I prayed and asked just for one thing that if I'm going to end up alone--let me spend the rest of my life with a bang. Suddenly, I began to stop caring about what the world expects of me but of what I expect of myself for myself. I started to feel good knowing I would be given a gift as a deal. After all, being alone is a horrible situation and every horrible situation needs to be paid as compensation. I think the Lord would accept that. I think this is what we all need. We the "underdogs" of many kinds should be a given a deal--in exchange of our sadness is a gift of something good. This pretty much sounds like a fair deal isn't it? The underdogs are late bloomers, believe me. But even if I'm in my new skin, I am still alone now. You see there's no guarantee actually. That's what really sad about it.
It just feels so good knowing that I'm not the only one who's experiencing this. And thank you for all the wisdom :)
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