Is this my choice to make?

Hi!

I have a question that has been haunting me for some time.
I am an American and have been living/working in the Philippines since 2001. Since arriving here, I have had a very close friend (male but not sexual). I'll call him M.
M and I have gone through a lot of things together, had a lot of adventures and faced some difficult issues together which all results in that we know and care for each other very much.
M's highest hopes in life is to immigrate to my country - America. He dreams about it and is hell-bent on getting there no matter what the price.
He's been on a match site and has meet an American girl. At first she was very careful about M but M is a charmer and within a year's time she has warmed up to M quite a bit.
However, the American girl is 10 years older than M and very much not-good-looking.
I talked this over with M and he has been honest with me and said that his plan is to get the girl to sponsor him to America and as soon as possible to leave her - all to fulfill his wish of living in America.
I've let him know that I do not approve of his plan. I also sympathize with the American girl. It will break her heart. She's a very conservative girl with a strong religious and family background.
I know how to contact this American girl.
Should I contact her and tell her the real score?

M has told me that his plans are that once he gets this American girl to sponsor him to America, he will dump her as soon as it's legal to do so and then procede to sponsor his Filipina girlfriend to come stay with him in America.
I have no probelm with him immigrating to my country and would be delighted to have this friend there when I return to American myself. But not this way. It's cruel to plan and scheme this with absolutely no consideration for the feelings of the American girl.

Thanks!

Trantruong

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Hi Tranturong!

Sorry for the late response. Been busy the past few days. It appears that you are really concerned of M's actions and his "goals" in life. I believe that someone like you deserves a big THANK YOU from someone you deeply care for.

To start with this, life is about choices. However, not all choices are yours to make. Personally, I believe that what he'll be doing is bad (at least BAD in the sense that it is unacceptable and inconsiderate). Had I been his friend, I'm sure we would've spent our everydays discussing, rather debating about this. But the thing is, I can only do as much to make him realize that what he intends to do isn't right. I can only make him see the downside of his plans but how he will act upon it would still depend on him.

So you have the girl's number. Does this give you any authority to contact her? Granted that you do and she backs out from the wedding plans, it won't end. For sure, M will find another woman that will give him the opportunity to hit his jackpot and your action would definitely out a heavy blow on your relationship with M. To summarize the probable consequence of going out of your way to warn the girl, you'll lose your friendship with M trying to save a girl you don't pain, just to give M the chance to bring pain to some other new girl you don't know.

I belive you when you said that you sympathize for the girl. But what's with her being 10 years older and being not so goodlooking? Had she been M's age and and Uber-Gorgeous babe, would you have changed your stand? Would she have been more deserving for a painful experience from M?

The problem here is not with the older woman but with M. No one will get hurt, not any American woman, not you, or not even himself, if he chooses so. From where you are, I think the best that you can do is show him the possible outcomes and consequences of his actions. The choice is still his to make. You have to respect, accept, and live with that.

I know at times, we see things much clearer being an outsiuder than those people involved but that does not give us any right to make the choice for them. We have to give them the chance to decide for themselves and reap the fruits of their own labor.

Hope I was able to help with this matter!

Thanks!

Just Ask Anytime Now!